Comments on: The Camouflage Shrub Angel Squad

By: Nick the Geek

Nick the Geek — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 15:17:05 +0000

Yeah, I'm rarely that wordy. Brian Russel and Sarah have given me some great help in wording things and also a few other important concepts. I knew I asked the right group of people for criticism.

By: Nick the Geek

Nick the Geek — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 15:15:23 +0000

Have I mentioned I'm a Clancy fan or did you just infer that from my writing style? I am currently working on expanding this story and have written another section. I am planning a character that is new to the battlefront so some concepts can be explained, that might be a good time to pronounce the word.

"Man I am so excited to be in C.S.A.S"

"Hey kid, good to have you, around here we just call it seesas"

By: Candy

Candy — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 14:29:45 +0000

I had to read this through a couple of times, because the story is written in a genre that I am not familiar enough with to critique. (Read: I'm old). I missed the commander being Jesus on the first pass. I think descriptions need to be more concise so the reader will feel amidst the story. I caught the "stopped remembering to pray" line, too, and was waiting for that line to come back toward the end of the chapter in a haunting sort of way. I'm growing curious, and want to keep reading. It's a great start! I prefer shorter sentences, but tend to write very long ones myself, so I understand how that happens. I have a hard time separating thoughts into two or more sentences. My recent post Christmas Stories

By: bman

bman — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 05:26:04 +0000

Something to keep in mind is that you should utilize both sentence styles as you write to communicate the feeling you're trying to get across. In a moment of stress or action, you want short, staccato sentences to keep the action moving quickly. Long sentences drag action down.

By: Nick the Geek

Nick the Geek — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 04:51:27 +0000

Thanks for the feedback, I will work on rewriting that. The missing coma was repaired in my draft at the suggestion of someone else already, but, um, yeah. I do have google wave, I've even giving away invites. I'll dm u.

By: Steph @RedClay

Steph @RedClay — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 04:50:16 +0000

You know, I actually liked all the description, especially of heaven. But I'm a fan of Tom Clancy too.

What I did find distracting was some redundancy in your descriptions. Example: He jumped from bed racing to get ready. "Jumped" implies racing. So you don't need both. I've always heard that if you can use a strong verb, you don't need so much else to strengthen it.

Another example: "enormous beings that radiate light" It seems like you could come up with less awkward descriptions. They're essentially man-like, so I wouldn't use "beings." And "that radiate light" -besides the slight error in verb tense- seems like it could be reworked more elegantly. If you described how the light would pulsate/flicker/twinkle if seen by a casual observer, that might give it more action too.

That all being said, I LIKED the story. Totally drew me in. Everything, from the description of their descent to the passing battle in traffic, was really fun to read. And the payoff, while not super climactic, made me want more.

(Also, I'd totally tell the reader how to pronounce CSAS too. I'd just wait till later, maybe next chapter, where you can intro a character who misunderstands or mispronounces it and needs it explained.)

Keep this up, Nick! I think you've got something here.
My recent post Practically imperfect in every way

By: bman

bman — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 04:42:06 +0000

Actually, even if you were writing a screenplay, the Director wouldn't want you (the lowly writer) to be interpreting things for him. That's his job. And, I'm in agreement with cj, unless it's important to the script... CUT IT OUT (There's got to be an emoticon way of doing the Full House version of that...). My recent post Kazooing the Klassics

By: bman

bman — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 04:39:24 +0000

Nick, I'm going to level with you. I'm going to take all of this and edit it down. One of the most important (and bettering) things you can do as a writer is actually to ELIMINATE adjectives wherever possible. They are the crutch of the writing world, and your writing will be better if you can INSTEAD use stronger verbs and active sentences.

For instance:
You wrote: "Mark awoke to the screaming alarm clock."
Better: "The alarm clock screamed. Mark's eyes fluttered open."

And, I won't lie to you, it sucks to rewrite sentences like that because it's hard, but it's sooo good for your writing.

Before I leave to go edit your story to MY liking and send it to you (Do you have Google Wave?), I need to post the most humorously mispunctuated sentence I read. (hehe)

"He picked up his waiting keys and briefcase as he walked out the door and then stopped remembering to pray."

Oh no! He stopped remembering to pray!? That's no good. Sounds like a one-way ticket to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.

haha. Enough laughing at your expense, and time to get out my EDITING SWORD!

By: Nick the Geek

Nick the Geek — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 01:00:15 +0000

Ok, so more than anything I need to work on flow. I was working on a redraft of this first segment to eliminate the short punchy sentences much like what you presented. I found I was using a lot of gerunds which I would prefer to avoid as well. I see how I might better combine the two extremes into an easier to read, flowing story.

Thanks.

By: uberVU - social comments

uberVU - social comments — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:30:21 +0000

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