First, I want to say that this is an attempt at humor, quite possibly a squalid attempt. It is not social commentary not even remotely an attack on any church or person. I am familiar with churches and person’s following God’s will through a wide variety of means.
Second, this is not a new concept. It is a conversation I’ve been having since college, but a random comment a couple of minutes ago brought it to my mind and I realized I’ve never blogged on this. I’m hoping the age of this makes it retro chic, not just hopelessly out of date.
Church 1.0 aka Church Classic
Over 2000 years of history. Church classic has received many revisions and updates, but through the revisions you will find the same rich feature set.
- Solid Foundation: I mean really solid, most are concrete with a brick and mortar setup on top of that. When the wind blows this church will probably still be there
- True HD services with full surround sound: in some services you will be able to hear shouts, amens, and other phrases from a full omnidirectional sound, and as much resolution as your eyes can perceive
- Plug N Play interface: plug your butt into pew, no other adapters or software required
- Built in social networking: the included “gossip” aka “prayer chain” network will keep you up to date on what is happening in the lives of the other church members in real time with no character limits
- On Site Support: in most locations there is a 24/7 support staff. it is a little known fact that pastors don’t sleep and only eat communion wafers and occasional meals with church members.
- Massive User Manual: a veritable Bible of church knowledge.
- Template Based Option set with literally thousands of variations: find the church that fits you.
Church 2.0 aka Church for a New Generation
With all the features of Church Classic, it is not surprising there are many users that have not upgraded, but for the new generation you can gain all these new features.
- Cloud Based: like Heaven, which means it must be holier
- MMORPC (Massively Multiplayer Online Roman and Protestant Church): no denominational boundaries, but you might want to make sure your OS is compatible
- Worship on Your Schedule: adapt to your busy life, fast forward through the songs you don’t like, and even skip sermon points that only apply to your friends and family.
- Come as you are service: Church classic has been claiming this for years, but show up in your underwear one time and they will never let you work in the kid’s ministry again
- Flexible: not like that one kid in high school that can fold into a box, but able to adapt to your life, and that’s the point right?
- Low Maintenance: reduced overhead so you don’t have to give. Tithe can be structured to mean 7%, which is a much holier number anyways.
- Achievement system: measure your holiness by achievements “You gave to help feed hungry kids in Africa, Feed the Hungry Achievement Unlocked.
Cross Platform Ideas
I have a few ideas for bridging the gap between the Church Classic and the Church for a New Generation.
- Flash Mob Service: Once a month arrange a flash mob to a different Church Classic service. Immediately following the service everyone breaks into Jesus Loves me with the hand motions
- Web Design Outreach ministry: you can tell the difference between a Classic Church and a New Generation Church by the website. Have your 2.0 church reach out to the less fortunate in the web community by offering free design services to 1.0 churches.
- Church Prayer Chain inclusion: even with Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ the church 2.0 simply cannon keep up with the gossip ability of the prayer chain. Reach out to friends in church 2.0 by offering to let them be a part of your prayer chain.
- Church Social Outreach: The church was built around community meals, just read the book of Acts. Church 2.0 is really missing out, and a lot of those poor hipsters are rail thin. This is because of a severe lack of potlucks. Invite your Church 2.0 friends to your next fellowship meal.
The Future of the Church. Church 3.0
There’s an app for that.