Not me, I’m totally ninja. I’m referring to some of my students.
I will say that things are really starting to change in the Youth group on Wednesday nights. They are becoming more and more respectful, hearing more and more of the Word and attendance is holding steady. I’ve been praying about having some of the guys step up and say they want to be involved in leadership and I have had 4 step up in the past couple weeks. All in all I couldn’t be happier with how things are going.
There are a few problems yet. There has been an ongoing problem with students wandering off on youth nights. Some of them have left to run to 7-11 and come back, others have gone over to the hospital to skate, a few run to friend’s houses to pick them up or something, but a few come and hang out till church starts and then disappear only to be back right after service ends so their parents are none the wiser. We have tried several thins to curtail the disappearing student problem and some things have worked.
We have a great snack shop so students don’t have to run to 7-11. We sell Monster for $2 which is less than anywhere. Everything we sell is cheaper than 7-11. I was running students down as they walked off time and time again, but it seems the most effective thing to reigning in the wanderer was being right. Ok I was right the whole time but a couple weeks ago they learned just how right I was. I warned them many times about the dangers of wandering off but 2 weeks ago a student left with a group 3 times. I brought them back 2 times but didn’t see the third time. That last time someone pulled a knife on the student and stole his iPod touch and skateboard. Everything worked out fine but the most of the students have learned an important lesson.
One group has been an ongoing problem though. They leave do who knows what (ok I know much of what they do) and then come back so parents can pick them up. I have hinted to the parents by calling and saying “I really missed … this week.” And even flat out said, “you know your child leaves when you think they are here right,” but the parents in question refuse to believe me. I’m not sure what else to do. I told them when they leave they have left for the evening but they come back and wait off property. I’m really at a loss as to what I can do about them.
I had another group head off tonight. I talked with them later and explained why they couldn’t do that and it lead to a great conversation with a student that doesn’t really know what to believe. At first he was saying he was an atheist, but then it came out that he was more agnostic than anything. I didn’t brow beat him or anything, more than that I wanted to make him feel that he could come without being judged. It did lead to talking about what I believe and why. I got to share parts of my testimony and he admitted he liked to hear why I believe. That it isn’t just blindly accepting what others have told me but based on studying and real experiences. He said, “I feel like I might be able to believe in something like that someday.”
Like I said, I’m generally happy. I could use some prayer with regards to the ones that leave. I don’t want them to come for the numbers. They are there part of the night and I could count them if that was what it was about. No, I’m really worried for them.
Talking bout S.E.X.
I believe in Santa … do you?
Crazy scary cover, frigintastic book
When it rains I want to stay in bed
Heaps of grumpy old men or something like that
My prayers, you have. Advice….sorry. You have done everything you can. The youth and their parents are making a choice, and you cannot undue it, nor force their hand to make another. I do have a story…I don't know if it fits, but, anyways… When I was teaching fifth grade, one of my students told be about something she was doing on the internet that seemed dangerous. She thought nothing of it. Grown ups are so uptight, you know.. Anyway, I called her parents. Her parents, who from what I had gathered before, barely had time for her, yet they assured me they were on top of things, and that she was lying. She would never do _______ (but apparently, she'd lie…). The young lady eventually assured me that she would stop the behavior. Well, long story short (too late for that?), she ended up confiding in me more and more. It seems she actually WANTED the attention. When announcement was made that I was rifted (teacherese for let go through no fault of my own…budget cuts), she wept. You would have thought that with the big deal I made, she would have hated me, and did a happy dance when I was rifted, but she was extremely upset. Point of story: You can't make the parents care, but don't give up on the kids, because they may just be pushing things in order to feel cared about. Perhaps the only time they feel cared about all week is when you hunt them down…Sad.
Wow, that's a tough problem. I suspect our church has it. I'll ask one of the youth guys what they do in those situations. It seems like since there are at least some dangers in the area around the church, you'd be justified in maybe having a volunteer call selected parents DURING the service, after the kids have left, just to "ask" about the kids. Like, "Joe was here, but he seems to have left. We're concerned about his safety, so we're just calling to check and see if he made it home safe." The inconvenience/embarrassment in the moment might make some parents get after their kids. And just brainstorming… Is it okay to tell some kids that if they're not going to stay, then don't come? (I don't mean the seeker kids. More the ones who should know better.) Or is that just really pushing them away and should be avoided at all costs? Or is that a conversation to have with those kids' parents? (Again, the regular attender parents, not the unconnected ones) Just thoughts. I'm still pretty inexperienced with that age group. But I know if MY kid was ditching and coming back for pickup, I would really appreciate knowing.
We've got several kids that do that. We've done two things: make leaders sit with them during service, because they have someone watching them the entire time that way, as well as show them how to act in church. Also, we've posted "security" at our doors who blatantly tell kids (especially minors) that we're legally responsible for them so we're completely entitled to make them stay. That might be a good testing ground for the guys that want to get into leadership. That doesn't get to the root of the problem though, I've had more than my share of wretched conversations with parents where I really just wanted to say, "your kid is just being a jerk, and you don't do a bloody thing about it!" Obviously, these kids need a heart change, but I think that if they keep going to your youth group, they'll get it. God Bless man!!
I agree with both of Steph's ideas I'll be praying.
I am shocked that these kids keep leaving. My kids are in youth group (middle school) and I've never considered that they had that option. It sounds like you are doing what you can and the ideas from others are great too. Can't you have a lock-in type situation once they are there? One thing I can say is I get extremely frustrated when parents live in denial that there kids are 'kids'… of course they will try to get away with as much as they can… I really try not to live with my head in the sand when it involves my kiddos! Keep up the good work and I'll be praying!
I applaud your endeavors as a Youth Minister. While helping to led these children to Christ is the very utmost importance here, you have to consider the ramifications if some of these children wander off from your group and get hurt, or cause trouble. You know, as well as I do, that these parents, even if you told them what the down low is, are going to place blame directly on your's and the church's shoulders. Obviously the kids are using the program to do sneaky things. I'm mean I know, but I suggest you keep track of the kids who leave, issue a written notice to the parents that if it happens again, the children will not be allowed to attend. That the Church (or you) won't tolerate being used for this purpose. This is a distraction and inconsiderate to the others who are there for Christ. Just my view and I will pray you find an answer :o)
One of the things these kids may have least of and need most is boundaries. I've been involved in ministry with youths like this, and understand how very difficult it is to know how to define and enforce boundaries. But deep down, I think they really do appreciate that boundaries–set forth in enforced rules–do communicate love. This is most evident when they are asked about rules at home. When rules are absent, that's not what kids say. Instead, they'll nearly always respond, "My parents don't care."
Helen, I always appreciate your prayers. I also appreciate your story. I think many students want someone to care.
I have asked the van driver not to bring a couple of the kids that have been hoping on and then leaving. The parents started bringing them so we are going to have to have a sit down. I'm really dreading that with one of the parents who thinks her little boy is perfection when he is shaping up to be a regular thug.
Thanks. As a student what would help you?
As mother to two boys who would have been the ones to bail, I firmly believe that teens thrive on and feel secure in discipline. With consequences, of course. That being said, the parents need to care enough to do so. I like Steph's idea of calling the parents. Several times I surprised my boys when I showed up where they were after having received a much appreciated phone call. What they really hear is "I care and I love you" though it really honked them off at the time. And then there's always duct tape. They usually got that when they got home.
Jake, we are trying to beef up our security for many reasons but there are some problems with the physical setting that make it harder. Fortunately we haven't had to sit with any students to teach them how to behave in service yet … I shouldn't even mention it for fear it might happen.
Bridget, Like I told you on your blog. Stay after those kids. They will thank you later even if it drives them crazy now. That said most of them don't do this kind of thing. We have about 90% staying.
I'm afraid it might come to this point with a couple of the students. I don't want to, but I can't sit by quietly while they hurt themselves.
I completely agree that most students, if not all, want boundaries. This has been shown in many studies and in my own experience I've found it to be true. A while back I participated in a kind of open forum with students about drinking problems among underage students in our community. In this more than one student expressed that they need parents who will set rules and fairly enforce them. I wonder if the parents took that to heart?
I know I responded to you yesterday, but it seems that ID occasionally drops comments. Maybe it is moderated for some strange and stupid reason. Anyways, I'm glad we haven't had to make any students sit with our leaders yet, but a couple have come close. With 40-50 it is easy for me to see everyone and call them out if there is a problem. For the past few weeks I've been taking their cell phones if they use them. They are either getting better and hiding them or are finally learning that they can live without it for 30 minutes. Our setting makes it very difficult. We meet in the youth building but generally most of our time is spent outside because the building is a bit small for 50 students. It's fine for preaching/teaching but not so much the chaos of just hanging out. We have been ramping up our security and incorporating the students who are ready to step up is a great idea. Thanks.
More than anything I wish that the parents of these teens would step up. They have been called in the past but somehow don't think it is their problem. One parent in particular blames everyone but herself and her son. It is sad 🙁
Personally, I would just continue to do what you are doing. Remember why you chose to work with this age to begin with. Also remember that they are not there to follow you, but to follow Christ. I doubt that they are leaving campus because of you, but because that's what teens do… think of what they'd rather be doing–not sitting and listening to someone talk to them, but to hang out with friends. I would definitely make sure they know that you know what they are doing, and that you do not approve. Follow whatever policies you have in place. But the last thing I would do is turn them away or tell them not to come anymore (unless there is a safety issue). You never know, they might catch you saying something within the few minutes they are there that will change their lives. All you can do is be the conduit for God to speak to them. They have to be willing to receive that love, however. Don't turn them away. They need you to show them the face of Christ.