The official title is The Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex and it was written with Erin Davis.  I didn’t know who Erin Davis was before this book came in the mail, but I had read a couple of things by Josh McDowell and took my students through a BlueFish.tv series by him as well.  Of course, the real reason I couldn’t pass the book up is because of the topic.  Let’s face it.  Sex sells.  I’ve written on the subject a fair many times here, and they tend to be the most visited posts on my blog.  I talk about sex, and write about it, because media does so much to influence out culture with very destructive sex messages.  It is important to try and get good, uplifting messages on the subject of sex out there.  We just plain can’t hide it under the rug. I try to talk about this for at least one series a year, and I’m actually in the middle of that right now.  I’m going through another BlueFish.tv series, The Truth About Sex, with Doug Fields. I’ll be writing about that later. For now, let’s check out this book.

Just the Facts

As Joe Friday always said, just the facts. The book addresses 39 questions over the course of 126 pages. It is a reasonably quick read cover to cover. It is broken up into 6 sections by study questions, which are included at the end of the book. There are no pictures, but the publishers do use typography to set apart specific quotes, similar to the way a newspaper or magazine does. The book says “no question is off limits” and does deal with almost everything I’ve tried to answer for my students. It talks about abstinence, purity, and love. Often as far as any Christian book on the subject goes. It also discusses the real facts on STDs and “safe sex” as well as the emotional and mental response to sex, not just the physical. It even addresses anal/oral sex and other sexual practices commonly used to “preserve virginity” today and pornography and masturbation. I think the only think not really covered is same sex attraction.

High Marks

I have to give praise that they address some topics that I haven’t found much Christian writing on. For example, Hey Look Another Red Warning Post, where I ask if “fingering” is ok. I did a lot of searching and could find any Christian perspectives on this issue and others, which are in this book. I also like the way the book is broken up into chapters based on the questions. It makes it much easier to find specific answers. Curious what the most common STD is? Try the chapter “What is the most common STD?” It is also very important that the book uses frank and specific terminology. It doesn’t talk about weewees or hoohoos. This isn’t a “sex ed” type book, but they address real information factually. The discussion questions seem to be pretty solid, and are open ended, meaning better group discussion. The questions are formed like

In your opinion, who pays the highest price when sexual activity is not saved till marriage?

See, first you see that this is a question to opinion, allowing for a difference of thought and open dialogue. If you are looking for it, they avoid saying “sex” which might be limited to intercourse or having a partner. By saying “sexual activity” they are targeting a much wider range of thought and activity.

Needs Improvement

This book will make a great resource for groups planning on discussing this. There is a built in 6 week series. This book is not really written to appeal to teens in and of itself. I can certainly see myself using this as a resource, and if a teen asks a question I’m happy to give them a copy after talking with them, but I don’t see them really reading it. Part of this is because most students I know just aren’t into reading, and partly because those that do read, don’t read stuff like this. the look and presentation kind of remind my of my teen study Bible from 1992. I don’t mean it looks like something from the 90s, I mean it looks like that Bible looked to me back in the 90s. Like something made by someone trying to appear hip and cool. Maybe something in more of a magazine type look would help, but even then I just don’t think a huge number of students will really read this cover to cover. That said, I think they love to read and think about sex, and they will read key sections. They might wonder, “Isn’t it better if we live together first?” and open this book up to read that section. Like I said, this is a resource.

It might have helped if there were more “stories” in the book, not just “The Bare Facts.” Of course, then they would have to change the name of the book.

Plays Well With Others

As I said before, I’m currently going through a series with my students, and this book would make a great companion piece to the Truth About Sex series with Doug Fields. Of course, it would also go well with some of the past series I’ve done too. It addresses many of the same topics in similar ways, but with more facts to support what Doug Fields and the interviewed students are saying.

In Closing

I’m clearly not a good preacher, I had 4 points, not 3. Something must be wrong with me here. In any case, I would recommend this book to any leader that wants a simple resource for their own shelves or for small groups. I’d say get a few copies to give away to questing students. I’d also recommend to parents. It will help get you in the know about some stuff you are probably totally ignorant of. Seriously, the statistics will shock you, but you need to get a good dose of reality. Finally, if you are a student and want to know the answer to some really big questions about sex, but are afraid to ask your youth leader or parents, then don’t let me scare you away. This book is definitely for you too.

Oh, and one more detail, I have 2 copies to give away. If you want a copy leave a comment.  If more than 2 comments get left I’m going to use a highly scientific approach to choosing the winner. First, I’m going to randomly sort all the comments, then do eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Or maybe just go with the comment that makes me laugh, who knows.

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A couple of the students were asking what it meant and I explained it. I talked about my first real relationship. I talked about how quickly I fell in love and how much it hurt when she broke-up with me, how great it felt when she came back and how much worse it hurt when she left again. It was a couple of months before I was ready to date again and then I really wasn’t ready. I went through a series of insignificant relationships. I never dated a girl for more than 3 weeks and immediately broke-up with them if they started acting too lovey. When I started dating the future Mrs_theGeek she pursued me. She was cute and seemed nice so I didn’t push back. She told me she loved me and I literally told her she didn’t. It took months before I would let her say she loved me and months more before I said it back.

I had been broken and hurt even without sex. That’s the thing with relationships. We get involved and get hurt and don’t want to be vulnerable.

The change in my life didn’t come from the future Mrs_theGeek. I would have run the first time she said she loved me if I hadn’t already changed. God began a work in me. It didn’t change me completely over night but with time I become vulnerable again. I stepped out of my fortress and opened myself to Love.

God is good and He wants us to be open and vulnerable because we need Him and each other. That takes openness and vulnerability.

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After this and my short introduction I sent the guys down to the basement with my male leaders and had them start going through the questions and I talked to the girls. I talked about how they have had various images put on them and how that has made so many girls do things that are destroying them. This isn’t really new, back in the day women were practically second class citizens. Actually there was a point where they really were. Things changed but because we are so broken we only made it worse. God showed respect to women through Jesus who always treated them like real people, which was huge compared to the culture He was walking in. I related to my girls that they could never hear enough that they deserve respect, and that God made them to be perfect without destroying themselves. I thought about showing this video, but I figured one was enough.
Then I talked to the guys about the differences between us and girls and how it can drive us crazy, and even make us angry, but I brought it back around to this same issue of respect. I used a lot of illustrations from my life and talked about how different the kids were even before they were born. We are all so very different but we are patterned after God according to Genesis. Because of this we must respect each other, especially that guys need to show respect to girls. They way they treat their mothers and sisters and girlfriends is exactly how they will treat a future spouse.

At the end of the night I brought the groups back together and we went through questions that the guys and girls had come up with to ask each other. Most of the questions were really good. A few were kind of obvious, but some of the guys were asking, “what kind of guy would you like to marry?” and “what impresses you?” The girl’s answers to these were really great and I hope the guys were listening. The girls asked some interesting questions too. A lot revolved around things that had hurt them in the past like “why do guys only go for the pretty girls?” and “why do guys cheat instead of just breaking up with a girl?” I think the discussion went really well though and I hope people learned something from it all.

Did you ever get this kind of chance as a teen? I wonder what questions you would ask given the opportunity?

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I have mentioned the statistics that show the shocking hours a day the students have been exposed to sex. Literally thousands of hours of sex by the time they are teens. One night every couple of years isn’t even a drop in that ocean of sex. An entire series barely scratches the surface.

Anyways, last night I focused on sex and sexual purity. I presented 5 major myths that they are having screamed at them on a daily basis.

• Sex is no big deal
• Sex is just physical
• Sex is something everyone is doing
• Sex is unavoidable
• Sex is something God hates

Then I presented the story of sex that the Church tends to present. “………….” Either a bunch of nothing or a bunch of hate.

Finally I showed what God really had to say about sex.

God MADE sex. He wanted it to be fun and frigintastic. He formed up Adam out of the dirt and then said, “he looks lonely” so He goes down to talk to Adam. He says, “Dude I got plan for you that you will LOVE. Now take a little nap and when you wake up you will think you died and went to Heaven … which is admittedly pretty cool since you’re already in paradise with Me.” Then Adam wakes up and sees Eve and is blown away. One of the first commands God gives is to have lots of sex (makes plenty of babies).

The thing is, God put a boundary around sex to make it better. God knows how we are designed and knows that sex is best in a long term committed relationship designed for raising children. We call that marriage.

I explained a bunch of reasons why and then went on to talk about purity. Is it ok to do everything but intercourse? Personally I don’t think so. I explained how even looking at porn can cause problems down the road, but ultimately I put the responsibility of choice on them. If you give a bunch of rules then people are interested in pushing the boundaries of the rules or keeping the exact rule while breaking the intent of the rule. “Don’t lay down with the person you are dating” which of course means it’s ok to have sex before marriage as long as you do it standing up.

I do want to say it is really difficult to talk to students about this. It is troublesome trying to be frank and specific without being vulgar. The whole time I kept hearing myself say words that are full of innuendo. Early on I explained that this was a difficult subject but an important one. I said “This is hard to talk about,” and immediately I thought “why did you have to say ‘hard’?” Do you realize just how much you say that sounds dirty? If not go watch old Bevis and Butthead reruns.

Every try to talk to students about sex? How did you handle it? Were you overly focused on how each word you said could be taken?

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Of course none of this is really new. Sex has been part of of the sales for as long as I can remember. It has probably been since the very beginning of sales history. Some half nekkid cave woman drawn on the community wall advertising custom stone tools or something.

It is well known that we are inundated with sex. We are exposed to it from a very young age, but that isn’t the real problem. It certainly isn’t new. Historically sex has always been a huge part of culture because it is a requirement for culture. Without sex a culture will disappear. Don’t believe me? Well you could ask some Essenes, the people who hid the Dead Sea Scrolls, but there are none since they didn’t believe in sex. Their culture disappeared pretty quickly.

One might say the issue is sex that has been tainted by sin. Of course this has also been part of culture from the very beginning. Shortly after Adam and Eve sinned sex became an issue. They went from naked but unashamed to hiding their nakedness in shame. This is because sex was suddenly a problem. It was probably that very night that Eve made Adam sleep on the proverbial couch for the first time. “I can’t believe you through me under the bus like that. Why can’t you stand up and be a man?”

This scene does highlight the real problem though. So many Christians feel sex is a shameful thing. This can’t be further from the truth. Sex is a sacred thing, something to be honored and cherished. That is why God has placed such a high priority on sex. It is the mode by which we can participate in His act of creation. It was made to bring union in a way nothing else can.

We have to stop acting like sex is shameful. If we read out Bible then we will see that sex isn’t just swept under the rug. There is a book devoted to the beauty of sex within the relationship God intended for it. God uses sex as an illustration for the heart of Israel when they turn from God.

We are told to bring light into darkness, and yet with this subject, we are taking light and cloaking it in darkness.

How can we begin addressing sex in a way that honors the sacred nature but also shows the light of God on a subject that has been drowned in darkness and sin?

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For one human being to love another that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof; the work for which all other work is but preparation.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Love is eternal where lust is temporary. This is a plain and apparent fact as easily seen as the nose on my face, which is quite noticeable from even a great distance. The problem comes when one confuses love and lust. Often people claim to be “in love” only to “fall out of love,” but in truth they were “in lust” which is as easy to fall in to as it is to fall out of. Consider the relationship between a parent and child. This should be our basis for understanding love because it is our first experience with love. Each party must fail severely and often before love might fail. Parents who truly love their children do so regardless of the choices the child has made and regardless of how painful those choices might be. Often terrible parents are loved by their children regardless of how much it hurts for that love to not be returned. Imagine if all relationships were so pursued.

Since love will always outlast lust, the lover must take time for lust to fade so that love might grow just as a great tree must grow slowly until the weeds around it die and it can be in full sun and grow great and true; then nurture that love through respect and care. Only after those first joys of lust have passed will a couple experience true love in their relationship, the kind of love that exists beyond the hurt and pain.

It is also true that love is patient and perseveres in all things. This is why waiting for love is the only way a relationship may endure. Often a person says to another, “If you love me you will …” but the truth is that if love exists, it will be patient and forgiving. Lust demands instant gratification where love will carry through to the end. Lust is a sprinter that expends all his energy in seconds while Love is in a marathon race and she knows to keep an even pace throughout so she will not tire too quickly or stumble in the many rough places along the way.

This is why so many relationships fail, love gets confused with lust. When those feelings of joy and giddiness fade the energy of lust is spent while love is just getting started. Love must be given time to grow in the absence of lust or it will never reach its maturity. This is a difficult process because lust is passionate and intense driving a couple to spend time together where love is kind and gentle liberating a couple to their own interests. In this, individuals growing in love must overcome themselves and spend time with their love so they might experience a deeper understanding of love. If the lover were to say to the beloved, “I just do not love you anymore,” the lover is lost in confusion. The lover meant to say, “I no longer lust after you.” Love is an endless ocean and lust is a desert wash. The rain will cause the wash to overflow and rage intensely but once the water has flown into the ocean the wash cracks with the desert heat. Follow the water into the ocean and love will never run dry.

In this season of love, consider that love gives while lust takes. Take the time to seek out the gifts of love. The gifts of love are not available at the store but can only be found in time, empathy, and compassion. These true gifts thrive in love but suffocate in lust. When you look into those special eyes and say, “I love you” please do not lie to your heart.

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We tend to think that inviting people to church is the solution, and what’s worse we end up spending most of our time inviting people from other churches to our church so our church will grow. Think about it. It is much easier to invite a Christian to your church than a non-Christian. It is also easier to invite a non-Christian than to lead them to Christ yourself. This is the way the church acts as if it is growing when it is really full of cancer and is wasting away … at least in America.

Now what does this have to do with sex? Well think about this. If we make sex the goal, then lots of weird things happen. A single person starts chasing people to have sex with. Awkward dates lead to sex sure, but there is the anxieties leading up to, during, and after. Does this person like me? Are they willing to sleep with me? What do they think of the way I look naked? Are they enjoying this? They aren’t really saying anything. It all leads up to “so was it good for you?” Now this might be slightly alleviated in a marriage relationship, but even then these issues show up if sex is the goal.

Now compare this to inviting people to church. We try to look around and listen for someone to invite. Then we start sweating and nervously invite them. If they say yes we are almost shocked at we spit out the time and place. That morning we dress better and show up early when we are always late. Then we wait and think, “they aren’t coming.” When they finally show up we worry through the service. We watch them and try to figure out if they are having a good time. We try to help them avoid the sweaty hugger during the meet and greet. Are they bored? Did they get the joke? Is the worship to weird? Is the pastor performing? After it is all said and done, “so was it good for you?” Ok we might say, “so what did you think,” but I figure it is about the same.

So how do we fix this? Well with sex, if we focus on the relationship and build a strong healthy marriage then sex becomes a frigintastic benefit. It is great and something that can really draw a couple even closer. I think church is the same. What if we stopped thinking of church as the solution? What if we stopped inviting people to church? What if we started building relationships with people and helping them find Christ? Then Church becomes this amazing benefit to being a Christian. The community of faith will strengthen our walk as a Christian.

Ok, so here is the shirt,

This blog was written for the Blog Carnival at BridgetChumbly.com

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The result is that people feel uncomfortable talking about sex outside their peer group. I think most people feel like everyone else will think their weird or something because of the way they feel, but the truth is most people feel the same way. The truth is sex is good.

Yep I said it. Sex is good and we really need to make it clear that sex is even better in a marriage. Well, it should be. Think about it, in a marriage there is a long term commitment to openness and honesty. That is the theory, but since we have been taught that sex is bad it feels weird to talk about it with our spouse. That is a very important part of sex though. Being willing to explore and experience each other, but that isn’t done by randomly touching or poking.

They say the most powerful sex organ is the brain, but the most powerful sex tool must be communication. Talking before during and after, making plans, and listening to your spouse. Media portraits married sex as dead and lifeless sex, but that is only true if we allow it to be. A person that goes from partner to partner cannot ever learn that person they are with. That takes a lifetime.

In other words, marriage is the best venue for sex because it creates an environment for long term study of your partner.

If you are married then think about your sex life. Do you actually talk to your spouse about sex? When was the last time? Your partners likes and dislikes can change from one moment to the next so don’t assume that the spot behind the ear still does the trick. Ask and listen. If you aren’t satisfied with your sex life then try talking more. Check out the 30 day sex challenge.

If you aren’t married then consider why sex is best for marriage. There are so man reasons why but the kind of commitment that should be in marriage is a powerful reason why sex is better in marriage, or should be.

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