Actually in school I always played well with others. It really is more of a doesn’t work well with others thing. I hate group projects. It bothers me that I have to depend on someone else to do the level of work I demand of myself so I can get the grade I expect. Group projects feel like a punishment, especially when the teacher picks the groups because you never have all the hard working people in one group. The ones that are driven to get As. No there is usually one hard worker, one total slacker, and then the best median the teacher can plan between those two. I always ended up just doing the whole project just in case everyone slacked and then put the project together so if others did do their jobs I would use it, but that made it so that I had to do the work of like 5 people while they got a free A.
Well, I’ve found my Christian life can be the same. I love friendships and hanging with people, but I have a hard time depending on them. If we are doing any project, from feeding the homeless to organizing a prayer meeting, I feel like I need to take control of the whole thing or we won’t get that gold start from God. I go into it with the idea, “we are going to have the biggest prayer meeting and rock the gates of heaven with our praise so hard,” and then people that don’t give enough effort frustrate me so I have to make up for them.
It really is about pleasing people and pleasing God. I am just wired that way, but I think God isn’t really as happy as I’d like to think with the attitude. I never really talked to the teachers about this other than to say that I detest group projects. I imagine, however, that they would have been happier if I did my part very well and helped everyone else do the best they could instead of just planning for their failure. It might have inspired some of the borderline achievers to reach beyond what they have done in the past and realize they can grasp the A without my help. At the very least it would have helped me to rely on others instead of myself, which I think is important to Christian community.
I am in the process of getting things setup with area Youth ministers for us to work as a group instead of as individuals. In my head I know this will make us more effective, but somewhere deep down I am afraid of failing because someone else didn’t work hard enough. Right now I am trying to change my thinking on this. Just because an event doesn’t have the turn out or follow through I’d like, or just because some detail isn’t just the way I’d like it doesn’t make it a failure. God is putting us together and I know that He measures our success by our faithfulness not by our numbers. Today I choose to be faithful and stop looking at the wrong things. Today I choose to serve rather than lead. Today I choose relationships over going it alone.
Tomorrow I’ll try to do the same, but don’t forget I’m human too.