Honestly I don’t know that I would choose to write on grief. I try to have fun and keep things light unless I need to vent, but I struggle with depression and feelings of self-doubt. That is one of the reasons I avoid writing on subjects like grief. I did write a post about my deepest grief once. It is also my greatest testimony that I call being taken from the black hole.
This year had brought quite a bit of grief to myself and dear friends and family. My grandmother died on my mother’s birthday this year. I don’t know if I would survive that. I was asked to speak at the funeral and that was the hardest speaking experience I have ever had.
Grief speaks of loss, but sometimes it is hard to figure out what the loss really is. I grieved my grandma, but I never really knew her. I think I grieved no knowing her and never getting that opportunity more than losing her. I was raised in the military so I might have seen her an average of one week a year. My dad’s mother died when he was a boy and my mom’s dad died when I was a boy. I met my dad’s dad like 3 times in my life for a total of a few hours. He died 3 years ago. When my grandma died I also lost my history. I have friends with great grandparents they knew and spent time with regularly. I felt like my anchor had been pulled up leaving me adrift.
When I think of grief my head spins, because you can’t really feel grief unless you are attached. The problem is we tend to be attached by many threads so when those threads are cut the grief is amplified because it comes from too many directions.
I don’t like to write about grief because it reminds me of all those severed threads, but it also serves to remind me that when the world is spinning out of control that there is a rock that doesn’t move.
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Sorry for the mixed emotions of grief you are processing this year – may you find peace. This is so true … "Grief speaks of loss, but sometimes it is hard to figure out what the loss really is." And I can relate to the spinning you refer to, I compare a season of grief in my life to a hurricane, because I felt like I was spinning out of control.
I never met my father's parents. They died before I was born. I met his brother and sister when I was three, and we stayed there for a month. I remember stories about my interactions with them better than I remember them. I grieved differently for Uncle Bela and Auntie Theresa than I did for my mother's brothers and sister. When Aunt Josies, Uncle Wally, and Uncle Ray died, I knew I'd miss what we shared. But when Uncle Bela and Auntie Theresa died, I felt sorrow that I would never know stories about dad's childhood that didn't come from his own perspective. Was he really such a wild child? How did Grandma handle his stubborn streak (the one he never admitted to having 🙂 ? With a gentle smile or a wooden spoon? It was what I'd never have that I grieved for… I am sorry for the loss of your Grandma. I do know that NOT sharing as mus as hoped is even harder sometimes than missing someone you've shared a lot with.
"There is a Rock that doesn't move"…amen and amen.
Psalms 61: 2: …when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Love the idea of the Rock that doesn't move.
The Rock is all we truly have to cling to. Thank you, Nick!
That last sentence really sums it up perfectly. That Rock is what keeps us grounded and gives us hope…. great post!
The Rock. Just wow. I went and read your SCL post that I had never read before. It sent chills down my spine. No sarcasm this time, just pure joy for your beautiful family, from down deep in my heart. Thanks for sharing that. Hug your wife for me.
I've been through hurricanes and I think it's an accurate description. The most damage happens after the eye passes over. There is a calm but then suddenly everything gets hit from the opposite direction. Palm trees are made to survive these storms. They literally lay over in the wind. They are supposed to bend and not break, but when they get hit 180 degrees from where they had been they get ripped up by the roots. Grief can be like that when we just start feeling like we'll survive and then another aspect of the loss hits us from another direction.
That is one of the huge things for me. Never getting ot know them the way most of my cousins did. That is why I am so happy that we can live where my parents are so my kids get to know at least one set of grandparents.
Almost list something right out of the Bible right?
I love that scripture.
All that we have worth clinging to at least. Better than trying to grasp sand in the surf.
Thanks
I'm surprised you didn't read it before. I need to do a repost soon and edit it, but it really is hard.
Nick for not writting about grief you sure told us a lot.It brought to mind all the people in the past that I do not know, like my sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, and grandparents. Yes at times I reflect on that but I just give it to God, and go on.As a Director of religious education I had to ministered to young people often, and I always told them to look beyond what you did not have and look and hold on to what you have received. God loves Geeks, and so do I. God bless you.
I don't write about it because it makes things raw. Raw feels painful and painful is something I tend to avoid when possible.
Great advice though. Thanks.