If you attend a church that is even slightly charismatic you are likely to hear someone say something to the effect of “thus sayeth the Lord.” Of course if God is talking then we better listen, but how can we tell if the message is from God? This can be a tricky proposal because if we aren’t particularly close to God then we won’t have that “I can feel God talking” sensation, and let’s face it, if God is telling us something there is a good chance that it involves us being a bit too distant. Now I can’t guarantee a message is from God, but I can usually identify the ones that are not from God. So here’s the top ten list.
#10: You Can Smell the Alcohol
Now this one is kind of tricky God can certainly use many modes of communicating. He spoke to Balaam through an ass and most drunks I know fit that description, but I feel pretty safe in ignoring anything that some inebriated moron is trying to pass off as a message from God.
#9: You are asked to worship something other than God
Yeah so this is pretty simple, God doesn’t change so He isn’t going to tell us one thing in the Bible and another in a prophecy. The tricky part is catching that the prophecy is actually passing the status of worship to something other than God. Sure it seems pretty obvious if the person outright says, “worship the golden calf I shall make,” but that isn’t how these messages show up. It tends to be more like, “the Lord is angered that you have removed the organ so to please Him once again you must put it in the choice place and devote more worship time to its music.” See how tricky that is? It looks like maybe God is just a real fan of the organ music, but if you pay attention you will catch the key words. Give it the “choice place” and “devote” are dangerous ground. Sounds like God is asking us to worship the organ. I don’t think so.
#8: The prophecy doesn’t line up with Scripture
I hinted at this with the previous entry. This is one of the things I’ve heard most often and many of the other signs of a false prophecy are related to this one. The problem is, you got to know the Word. If people knew what the Bible said they wouldn’t have followed many of the seriously crazy false prophets like David Koresh. This puts the burden fully on you. Sorry.
#7: God prefers wine to beer
Wine is used all the time in the Bible but you don’t see beer all that much. That’s because God prefers wine. Now what does that have to do with prophecy? Well I’ve heard many times about grumpy old … um saint standing up in some meeting or another to complain about how things are going in the church. They loudly proclaim how dissatisfied God is and warn that God is going to write Michelob over the door. Now if it were Merlot or something wine related I might ponder this dire warning for a minute, but a beer reference automatically outs this false prophecy. On a side note, this one also falls under “know your scripture” because this prophecy should have been “write Ichabod” which means “the Glory of the Lord has departed.”
#6: Inconsistent grammatical structure
It might be that the person starts in prophecy and then ends up appending their own thoughts or it might just be a total fail, but I’ve heard this a few times myself. For some reason a bunch of people seem to think all prophecies must be delivered in King James English, so they open up with a bunch of thee’s and thou’s and then transition into y’all this and that.
#5: Self serving admonitions
Thus sayeth the Lord, gimme your money. Now this actually breaks rule number 6 too so it should be doubly obvious but I’ve seen some people seriously hurt by falling for prophecies almost exactly like this. Of course not all are so obvious. “God wants me to be placed over the … department” can be just as self serving and maybe even more detrimental to the body. In the Bible most prophecies end up helping other people. In fact they tend to be focused on helping those than cannot help themselves.
#4: Passing the buck
Not all prophecies are in front of the whole church. Sometimes God has a special message for a special person. If someone comes to you with one of these be especially aware of the next two rules. When someone is throwing God under the bus to pass the buck spend extra time in prayer before assuming God is down with this. “So the pastor asked me to help clean-up after the potluck but God told me you would be better suited to this task.” I’m not saying that you aren’t the better potluckcleaneruperafterer, but I am saying God probably didn’t reveal this.
#3: Telling you something God hasn’t
When Elizabeth tells Mary she is blessed for the task God has called her to Mary had already heard from God. When I had people telling me I was called to ministry, God had already confirmed that. If someone tells me God wants me to go to Alaska I’m just not going to believe them. Now if they tell me God has said to go to Guam I might give it some thought. God has never even hinted that I might be called to Alaska, but I hear all the time about people prophesying others into something or another that God never mentioned to them about. The worst is in Bible College when some guy walks up to some girl and says, “God told me we would be married.” I only wish I was joking and I wish this didn’t work as often as it does. Also I’ve seen it go the other way too so guys aren’t the only ones to blame.
#2: Two part prophecies with a failed first part
God often gives multipart prophecies. He does this so we can know the truth of the prophecy when we see parts being fulfilled and will look to the full prophecy to come to pass. Now if someone throws down with “God has said that the moon will turn red tonight and then … will happen,” and the moon doesn’t turn red, then you can ignore the rest of the prophecy. Watch out for the gambler-con though. Sure the moon turning red is pretty long odds, but a gambler might turn some short odds prophecies and then try to flip you on a long shot. “You will wake up tomorrow,” (very good odds), “you will wish you didn’t have to wake up so early,” (hey if you knew me half way you would feel safe with this one too), “you will see a dog on your way too work,” (starting to get a little longer but hey there are a lot of dogs in the world), “and the number 4 will follow you through the day,” (this is a fun bit of psychology. If you are starting to believe even a little then you will see the number 4 pattern everywhere and so this will come to pass), “then you will know I am speaking truth and do what I have commanded.” Of course if this really is a con then the command will probably violate one of the other rules.
#1: Putting a date on the return of the Lord
I think most Christians know that God isn’t letting us in on this secret, but then we get all stupid when someone comes out with some big prophecy and start worrying about some specific date. 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988 sold 3.5 million copies and TBN issued regular rapture updates in the time leading up to the prophetic dates. Prior to the millennial change we saw the same kind of frenzy and I am expecting to see it for December 21st, 2012. We are anxious for the return so it seems to override our reason when we hear about a prophecy. Sure we might laugh at it or pretend we think it is a joke, but the closer that day comes the more we will think about it. We might even start preparing things for the rapture or whatever and then when nothing happens we act like we didn’t give it any thought and hope nobody sees the stock pile of sardines we will be eating for the next 10 years.
I couldn’t make it to church because…
I love Chan
This little piece of paper will help you get to Heaven
Why we fell for balloon boy and what my son did weekend before last
Love Wins, but maybe I’m wrong
Ahhh, Michelob. Annie and I personally think it’s cool if God were to write that. It might bring in a whole new people group to church 😉
Like I said earlier, when anyone tells me they “have a word from the Lord”, I hold onto something solid and brace for impact 😉 I’ve had people tell me a word from the Lord many, many, many times. You know how many times it’s been legit (and with me basing on the same list you gave, by the way!)…three times. That’s it. Three times in 38 years have I been able to get confirmation that God really said it to me via another person.
And this…” If people knew what the Bible said they wouldn’t have followed many of the seriously crazy false prophets like David Koresh.”…that’s golden. When my small group kids used to ask me why people drink the koolaid or die in firey raids in Waco, I’d tell them because they trusted the “prophet” and didn’t check the scriptural facts. It’s chilling what we’ll believe hook, line and sinker.
Great post Nick!
Yeah people wouldn’t do nearly so many ignorant things if they knew the Word. Of course this applies to much more than drinking kool-aid it is a good for all of life principle.
Did you know that their is a charismatic renewal among some in the Catholic Church. I was part of a charismatic prayer group for several years. I was a bit of a burden to them, because I don’t speak in tongues (I don’t know how to discern the Spirit. What I mean is, how do I know this is the HOLY Spirit, and that I am praising God, and not…well you know. I’m not doubting others’ gift. Just don’t want to leap in and say something that turns out NOT to be praise…) and I didn’t get Words from the Lord. At least not then, and never the kind meant for the group. Sometimes God tells me to get my act together and trust Him, but He has never said I ought to tell someone else He said something, you know?
Anyway, I believed the Words others shared if it was Scriptural. If it was personal (like Helen, you have a dreaded disease…) I took it serious enough if the person had Words from God which were Scriptural. One man told me I have Cancer. Thank God, I didn’t, but I did get a physical because this man usual shared accurate Words…
Anyway, I like your list.
Yep, I am pretty familiar with the Charismatic RCC movement. I feel that most, if not all, prophetic words should be edifying. I’ve heard many times when people quote life giving scriptures and felt that to be more powerful prophecy than some “new” thing.
I liked Kristi’s comment on twitter about how to tell if it’s a false prophet – If they’re wearing a floral print sheet and holding a maglite over their head.
well that is pretty obvious. If you are wearing a floral print sheet I’m likely to assume you belong the the special part of the hospital … or some tropical island feeding lamas apple sauce.
What about muumuu’s? Floral muumuu’s are okay, right? At least for us non prophesying types? Do I need to get a whole new summer wardrobe? Because I really rock the muumuu…
Muumuus are a totally different thing. God wanted me to tell you all that you should always trust someone wearing a muumuu.
Thanks Wendy. Now all I need is for someone to invent a muumuu made of velour, and I am set for life. SET for LIFE!
I had to go make a change to the comment settings to I could reply to this. Can you imagine the weight of a velour muumu after a good flop sweat sets in? You could market that as a weight loss device.
The muumu is only ok if you avoid holding a flashlight over your head.
Doesn’t the Old Testament say that the penalty for prophesying falsely is that the false prophet be stoned to death? The “Michelob Lady” should be really thankful that we’re not living in OT times!
yeah I know a lot of people who are fortunate we are not bound by the Law. On the other hand I’ve heard plenty of prophecy where I think the “prophet” is already stoned.
I have my suspicions that the Michelob Lady WAS in actuality stoned. Just not to death.
And how about muk luks? God told me I should ask if people wearing muk luks can be trusted.
I have no idea what a muk luk is but I feel like it won’t be an absolute proof that a person can or cannot be trusted, but might be a warning sign when worn out of context, like wearing board shorts in Wisconsin during the winter, that kinda person probably isn’t right in the head.
Hmmm… I guess this means I need to re-think my propheting wardrobe.
I think Stephanie is speaking in tongues. Muk luk sounds “tonguish”.
Okay, I was going to tell you that God said you were called to Alaska, but nevermind.
I will say that it’s so sad that people manipulate and use these things to get whatever it is they’re after because it makes the real thing harder to distinguish. I guess that’s the Devil’s objective though…
Sad but true. I’ve seen so much pettiness that I wonder why God hasn’t just wiped us all off the Earth and started over with plants of some kind.
So what about a tropical print gauze-like Snuggie? And are umbrella drinks any relation to Kool-Aid? Beach hat replacing mag lite? Yes, totally in vacation mode.
Best. Post. Ever. Nick. Your commenters are the best.
I’m pretty certain anyone prophesying while wearing a snuggie regardless of the fabric should have their words weighed very carefully. Very Carefully.
PS, happy vacation. Try not to brag too much.
I prefer wine over beer as well. That gives me nearly prophet status, right?
Sure … that’s like exactly what it means. Now go get a floral print sheet, flashlight, and some mukluks and have at it. (insert snark mark punctuation I’m too cheep to buy)
The Bible says the day & hour is known only to the Father
Matthew 24:36 “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven,[e] but My Father only.
So when a pastor prophesied the day or time, then it’s time to turn your back fast away from him.
Acts 1:7 And He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons which the Father has put in His own authority.
But the Scripture give us a hint.
Revelation 13:13-15 He performs great signs, so that he even makes fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men. And he deceives those who dwell on the earth by those signs which he was granted to do in the sight of the beast, telling those who dwell on the earth to make an image to the beast who was wounded by the sword and lived. He was granted power to give breath to the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak and cause as many as would not worship the image of the beast to be killed.
This is what to wait for, the pastor that can make fire come down from heaven & can make the image speak.
Imagine a fire coming down from heaven and a talking image of the beast that must be worship? Who can resist this great deception? Unless you are warned of its existence. There will be affliction, distress, and oppression beyond what the world has ever seen, or will see again.
Matthew 24:21-22 For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be. And unless those days were shortened, no flesh would be saved; but for the elect’s sake those days will be shortened.
In this period of time, look up in the sky! Jesus is coming with clouds, and every eye will see Him.
2 Thessalonians 2:8 And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord will consume with the breath of His mouth and destroy with the brightness of His coming.
As of this date, no one who claims to be god or the son of god, can show great sign of making fire coming down from heaven to earth in the sight of men. Still no one, but be ready when it come.
I agree, which is why I put that as my number one. If someone is putting a date on it they have missed prophet and moves straight to idiot.
Dang. This comment string looks like my blog…
So let me just set aside the floral muu muu and snuggie comments for a moment and say, this is one of my favorite posts from you. You used humor to relay some very serious issues and I appreciate it very much.
And muk luks are ugly boots.
Thanks, also thanks for letting me know what muk luk means in English. I figure that wearing them doesn’t mean a person is a false prophet and more than wearing a fancy suit means they are a true prophet, but wearing apparel out of place tends to be a tip off for me.
I admit it, I was initially sucked in by the KoolAid image – how old is that packet, anyway? Very funny post.
yeah I almost titled the post “don’t drink the kool aid” but then I felt that might be a bit on topic in a bad way but I couldn’t resist a very old kool-aid image.
What scares me a lot is when people say, “I feel God calling me to do XYZ.” But it’s like, when did feelings ever be the concrete evidence that God called you? Most of the times, the people that God called to do a task didn’t feel like doing it or want to do it. Moses, Jonah are a few examples.
I see a lot of people who feel that they were called to be pastors and teachers but weren’t called by God.
nicodemsuatnite.blogspot.com
That sounds like a good follow-up post, “Is that God or the pizza talking?” Seriously I feel it is important for people to remember that we are called to follow God not our own ambitions.
How do you feel about certain people taking over a church service for 20 minutes with their loud praying and worshipping and then giving out a message that no one interprets so they wind up interpreting it themselves? I feel like church has turned into their “show”. I feel annoyed not blessed.
Beverly,
I’m very against people who would “take over” the service and bring glory to themselves. God is typically very orderly and never shares the glory.