One of the reasons I started a new blog was to begin exploring my writing. I do several writing experiments including a book that I am writing. My plan with this book is to make it available for free and accept editing tips with revised editions. I don’t know that my goal is to every be a published writer but I do want to be a good writer. It is something I enjoy so I want to do it well. To that end I saw a comment over at Stuff Christians like that made my snicker a bit and them leave a snarky reply. That happens a lot but today I decided I would turn it into a short story. One of the things I am trying to work on is being more descriptive by using a variety of synonyms and adjectives. Please comment and let me know how I can improve my writing as I am doing this not just to be funny but also to practice some creative writing.
That said, please enjoy.
Chapter 1
Some dogs better hope they don’t get to heaven.
Mark awoke to the screaming alarm clock. Slapping the snooze for the second time he sat up and wondered at why he was up this cold morning while the sun seemed to be sleeping in and remembered the meeting he couldn’t miss. He jumped from bed racing to get ready. Finishing a steaming shower where he cleared the last vestiges of sleep he stepped out to dress hurriedly as the rich odor of coffee wafted from the kitchen. While straightening his tie he kissed his sweetly dozing bride before heading for the beckoning coffee. He picked up his waiting keys and briefcase as he walked out the door and then stopped remembering to pray.
“Dear God, I’m sorry I have been in such a rush today. Please go before me and guide me in all that I do and be with my wife and little girl as I am apart from them, put a hedge of protection round about them. Amen.”
———————————————————————
“Attention!”
All around the ready room enormous beings that radiate light snapped to attention as He walked into the room. Head and shoulders above the rest, He shone as the sun where the others were mere planets. Thick and wild hair hung about him as mane and the air thrummed with energy in his wake. His breath was a low rhythmic thrum echoing about the room like a growl or the purr of a great cat, and then he spoke and the sound reverberated through the small room as if it were a concert hall.
“We have just received a HOP and the elite CSAS gets the call.” He pronounced it “see sas.” Around the room the unit began to quiver with excitement save a single commando who shrank from the commander.
“Now most of you have been doing this for years so I don’t need to tell you how to do your job, but today there is a new recruit. Sergeant Clip has just transferred over from CP where he proved himself quite well earning multiple commendations including one for bravery earned by taking on no less than 5 boogie demons single handed.”
Everyone turned to look at the smallest of their number with a new respect. A single BD was a vile creature of hate and fear, literally the stuff of children’s nightmares and five would pose a threat to any of them. He hadn’t said much when he walked in earlier and none would have been impressed to hear him bragging about how well he did in Child Protection, but to hear the commander commend him, well that carried weight.
“Lieutenant Dax, Sergeant Clip will be your wingman for this mission. Sergeant, do everything you are told and you won’t have a problem.”
The commander turned and left. No directions, no special orders, he just left. Sgt Clip watched as everyone waited for the door to shut before moving. “You heard the commander, get moving we’re on the deck in five,” growled Lt. Dax, each word seemed like it was spit out but no one else noticed; they had already begun to check their gear and lock everything down for entry. Clip looked at his own gear recognizing most as what he brought from CP save a single gem that had been attached to his breast plate just below the left shoulder, the crimson star of the CSAS.
“Are you gonna put it on or marry it?” The gravelly voice behind him made him start just a bit. Clip turned quickly and stood at attention, “Put it on sir”
“Well, you better get a move on, if you aren’t on deck in four you’re grounded.”
“Sir, yes, sir!” Clip quickly donned his gear checking each latch as he ran to the flight deck.
The deck stretched out above the city of light where in the center the source of all light shone. Each time Clip saw stood here he couldn’t help but admire the glory of it all. The city stretched farther than even his eyes could see, sparkling as if made from a single crystal. Clip knew many buildings were a single diamond formed to the purpose but knowing and seeing were two different things and it was all he could do to look away from the citadel of light for there sat the throne emanating the shining brilliance.
Turning he saw that the rest of CSAS was assembled but also drawn to the source of radiance. Clip stepped in line then as one the unit turned to face the darkness. He had flown into the expanse almost daily for centuries but once again he had to steel his nerves against the contrast from the beauty of the metropolis of illumination. Lt Dax stepped up to address the crew.
“Alright, we’re going on HD. You know this might be a whole lotta nothin, but nobody gets distracted and everybody comes back. Sergeant Clip, you’re on my right, everyone form up.” With that Dax stepped to the edge of the platform and everyone formed a “v” behind him. Dax turned to face the crew once again and boomed “activate the gate,” then smiled as he fell backwards off the deck. Clip stepped over the edge and saw Dax laughing as he spiraled towards the opening vortex. Clip winced as Dax barely cleared the edges of the widening portal and then dark and light warred about him.
He felt the crackle of static as he passed into the pungent air of the Earth suburb. Dax was already hundreds of yards ahead but Clip was the fastest in every squad he had ever been in, he wouldn’t let it be any different in CSAS. For the first time Clip unfurled his wings in front of the new team. He hated that they were so much bigger than his size implied. He pulled them hard and fast and closed half the distance in a single stroke. Cautious not to pass the Lt Clip pulled them one more time and kept them tight as he pulled to the right flank of his commanding officer.
Dax grunted and spiraled down to the left into traffic. The vehicles were not the problem, but in rush hour traffic there was a full on battle. Guardians worked frantically to protect their charges as darklings tried to distract and cause mayhem. Dax pulled his glimmering two handed sword and darted between vehicles at full speed slashing at the lesser demons that came within his reach. Clip pulled his two short curving swords and began his fly by. Fortunately he only had to extend his wings to change speed or direction, otherwise his hug wings would be a hindrance in these close quarters. Spotting a darkling approaching the tires on an over laden semi trailer, he sniped the wings of another as he passed over head and then rolled to the right passing under the speeding 18 wheeler and surprised the small imp with his spiraling blade before quickly flicking his wings to rise back above the traffic followed by another velocity adjustment that brought him down into 3 fiends being engaged by a single guardian. He was able to take one with each of his blades as he passed through following Dax who had veered from the highway.
Seconds later Dax opened his wings catching both light and air coasting to a soft landing in the middle of a suburban block. Clip landed immediately behind and to the right, light as the feathers on his wings. Dax used quick hand signals to indicate where each warrior should take position and then turned to Clip to whisper, “Be the bush,” as he touched his emblem and stepped into a nearby shrub.
Clip touched his gem and stepped into another plant but felt conspicuously un-hedge like. He thought over and over again, “be the bush,” yet nothing changed. He concentrated for an hour straight before he sat and trying to imagine branches sprouting from him instead of wings and still saw only himself. As he was ready to give up a dog walked along and sniffed at him, then hiked its leg. It seemed the shrub to his left shuddered with suppressed laughter as he sat rooted in place. The breeze carried a low growling voice, “welcome to CSAS.”
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When you get an idea, I think it's a good idea to simply write without really thinking about whether or not you're being too descriptive or not descriptive enough. It's in the editing process that you begin to tighten things up and streamline the story.
There will be parts of the story that you love, but some of them will have to be left on the editing room floor so to speak.
Best writing advice I've ever read? – "Omit useless words."
Say more with less and let the reader fill in some of the word pictures.
Very imaginative story.
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Are there specific useless words in this? I actually wrote it quickly and got it all down before deciding to make this a writing experiment. I filled out the story by giving "Mark" an actual part where before he simply said a prayer and didn't even have a name. I added the commander, who is Jesus if you didn't catch it, and gave two of the CSAS names and one some back story. Then I added descriptive detail for the deck and a new segment because I felt it was action lacking (the highway part). The essence of the story doesn't need any of that but I don't know that it is "useless."
So the question is, what should I do, if anything, to tighten it up. It sounds like I did well with description, though a bit on the superfluous side. I have removed one statement based on cjcanada's advice. Anything else you would recommend cutting or rewording in a more concise manner?
I didn't get that the commander was Jesus at all. Looked back and read it again and still don't see it. Maybe it's just me. Also, I spent a bit of time just trying to figure out what all the initials stood for. Still no idea. It got to the point that I found it distracting. Okay, I'm a bit OCD when it comes to stuff like that. But I do like the story. It's very 'This Present Darkness' which I think is a good thing.
So, will there be more?
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Maybe I was too subtle, Hair like a mane (lion of Judah) and radiated light as the sun (son and also a reference to description of the new Jerusalem where God would be the light) while the others were as planets which don't generate light but actually reflect light. I tried to not be blatant but for the description to make it noticeable when someone knew. I might need to rework that.
I had defined the acronyms but I was playing on military-ese where these things aren't spoken like Spanish on playtime Disney. I think all of the acronyms are spelled out at some point but maybe I should clear it up.
CSAS is the Camouflage Shrub Angel Squad, which is in the title.
HOP is Hedge of Protection as prayed by Mark (that was more obscure)
CP is Child Protection which is short for Child Protection Detail (didn't show up in this version) or CPD. The actual phrase is used after the Commander says CP and before Clip thinks about his gear.
I think that is all the acronyms and I hope it helps your OCD until I figure out how to address them better within story.
For example:
First paragraph might read:
Awakened by the screaming of the alarm clock, Mark hit the snooze button for the second time as he sat up in bed. It seemed the sun was sleeping in on this cold morning as he remembered the reason for his early awakening – a meeting he could not miss. After a steaming shower cleared the last vestiges of sleep, Mark got dressed, straightened his tie and kissed his still dozing bride. Fresh cup of coffee in hand, he picked up his keys and briefcase and headed for the door, then stopped. He remembered he didn’t take time to pray.
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Ok, so more than anything I need to work on flow. I was working on a redraft of this first segment to eliminate the short punchy sentences much like what you presented. I found I was using a lot of gerunds which I would prefer to avoid as well. I see how I might better combine the two extremes into an easier to read, flowing story.
Thanks.
Something to keep in mind is that you should utilize both sentence styles as you write to communicate the feeling you're trying to get across. In a moment of stress or action, you want short, staccato sentences to keep the action moving quickly. Long sentences drag action down.
Great descriptions… I like the 'vestiges of sleep' comment… Nice job, Nick.
Thanks, is there anything you think should be cut? As a writer I'm sure you are familiar with removing the fat from a story.
katdish is right… it is always good to use 'less words', but to tell you which ones to cut is a tough one.
You painted a great picture/scene… but remember that your 'readers' like to imagine some of it in their own minds and don't need every detail described to them.
There is not one particular part I would change, I'd just see if any of the 'descriptive' words feel like overkill to you… the author…
Nick, I really like the story. I am with cjcanada in that you described more detail than I would have liked, but I get that you are working on becoming more detailed, and so are now likely to dip into the other extreme. I am sure you will find a balance. In fact, since you consider description to be your weakness, I would continue with practicing overdescribing for a little while, until description feels more natural to you.
I am not feeling my best today, so please excuse me if I don't make as much sense as I think I do.
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you make plenty of sense, well as much as usual. I enjoyed writing some of the descriptive segments but I also need to know what to edit down after the fact. I guess for now I have a multistep process, which is why I don't know if I'll ever be a published writer. Write the story, make the story descriptive and then whittle down everything that doesn't belong. Of course I think I've read where one of my favorite writers does much the same thing.
I removed one part, is there anything else you would cut or rewrite to be more to the point? Is there anything I should describe in more detail, such as the ready room or the Angels themselves?
Nick very good. One critical comment. you write a bit like Tolkien in that you spend a lot of ink describing very simple things. It is nice intermittently but not for every scene. (Pronunciation of words, etc.) Just a thought.
Thanks. Normally I struggle with being descriptive so for this writing experiment I dialed it up. To be honest I was worried I needed more detail. So you think describing how a key acronym is pronounced is a bit much on detail or would you just say that combined with everything else it put it over the top?
lt is what knocked it out of the park for me. I think that unless the pronunciation somehow affects the story in some way down the line that things like that should be left for the reader, because rather than help, it distracted me.
I don't want to discourage you , but unless you are writing a movie script, l, as a reader, like to be able to make up the details to some extent also.
Excellent, this is exactly the kind of criticism I'm looking for. I am not exactly tied to or invested i this story since it is more of an experiment to help with my descriptive skills, but also to help me learn the right balance.
Consider that part gone.
Actually, even if you were writing a screenplay, the Director wouldn't want you (the lowly writer) to be interpreting things for him. That's his job. And, I'm in agreement with cj, unless it's important to the script… CUT IT OUT (There's got to be an emoticon way of doing the Full House version of that…).
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Nick, I'm going to level with you. I'm going to take all of this and edit it down. One of the most important (and bettering) things you can do as a writer is actually to ELIMINATE adjectives wherever possible. They are the crutch of the writing world, and your writing will be better if you can INSTEAD use stronger verbs and active sentences.
For instance:
You wrote: "Mark awoke to the screaming alarm clock."
Better: "The alarm clock screamed. Mark's eyes fluttered open."
And, I won't lie to you, it sucks to rewrite sentences like that because it's hard, but it's sooo good for your writing.
Before I leave to go edit your story to MY liking and send it to you (Do you have Google Wave?), I need to post the most humorously mispunctuated sentence I read. (hehe)
"He picked up his waiting keys and briefcase as he walked out the door and then stopped remembering to pray."
Oh no! He stopped remembering to pray!? That's no good. Sounds like a one-way ticket to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks.
haha. Enough laughing at your expense, and time to get out my EDITING SWORD!
Thanks for the feedback, I will work on rewriting that. The missing coma was repaired in my draft at the suggestion of someone else already, but, um, yeah. I do have google wave, I've even giving away invites. I'll dm u.
You know, I actually liked all the description, especially of heaven. But I'm a fan of Tom Clancy too. 😉
What I did find distracting was some redundancy in your descriptions. Example: He jumped from bed racing to get ready. "Jumped" implies racing. So you don't need both. I've always heard that if you can use a strong verb, you don't need so much else to strengthen it.
Another example: "enormous beings that radiate light" It seems like you could come up with less awkward descriptions. They're essentially man-like, so I wouldn't use "beings." And "that radiate light" -besides the slight error in verb tense- seems like it could be reworked more elegantly. If you described how the light would pulsate/flicker/twinkle if seen by a casual observer, that might give it more action too.
That all being said, I LIKED the story. Totally drew me in. Everything, from the description of their descent to the passing battle in traffic, was really fun to read. And the payoff, while not super climactic, made me want more.
(Also, I'd totally tell the reader how to pronounce CSAS too. I'd just wait till later, maybe next chapter, where you can intro a character who misunderstands or mispronounces it and needs it explained.)
Keep this up, Nick! I think you've got something here.
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Have I mentioned I'm a Clancy fan or did you just infer that from my writing style? I am currently working on expanding this story and have written another section. I am planning a character that is new to the battlefront so some concepts can be explained, that might be a good time to pronounce the word.
"Man I am so excited to be in C.S.A.S"
"Hey kid, good to have you, around here we just call it seesas"
I had to read this through a couple of times, because the story is written in a genre that I am not familiar enough with to critique. (Read: I'm old). I missed the commander being Jesus on the first pass. I think descriptions need to be more concise so the reader will feel amidst the story. I caught the "stopped remembering to pray" line, too, and was waiting for that line to come back toward the end of the chapter in a haunting sort of way.
I'm growing curious, and want to keep reading. It's a great start! I prefer shorter sentences, but tend to write very long ones myself, so I understand how that happens. I have a hard time separating thoughts into two or more sentences.
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Yeah, I'm rarely that wordy. Brian Russel and Sarah have given me some great help in wording things and also a few other important concepts. I knew I asked the right group of people for criticism.