I’m 16, and my parents own a small business, and this is the busiest time of the year for them. They’re both working from 7 in the morning to 11 at night, at minimum.

Anyway, a few months ago, I got into some trouble(I joined this really sick website that had all these pictures of beheadings and suicides and all sorts of horrible things) and since I had shown a couple other symptoms of depression, and macabre thoughts were a symptom, she thought I might be depressed.

Well anyway, she asked me if I thought we needed to go to a psychiatrist, and I just played it off/lied and told her that I just went to the website because I wanted to see what people were talking about and because I was curious. I was afraid to go because I knew my dad was pretty old fashion and would be angry if I started going to a psychiatrist, and I knew my mother was already overstressed and over scheduled.

I was also terrified of going for so many reasons…I’ve never been open, and my mind confuses me more than anything. I was afraid I might try too hard to think of what might be the problem and end up taking medicine or therapy for something that really isn’t a problem for me.

Well anyway, I ignored it for a few months, and it just got worse. I started to really question God, life and people. I wanted to commit suicide, but I didn’t want to hurt my mother.

Well it just kept getting worse, and I didn’t really think that it was depression, I kind of just lied to myself as well as my mother.

Well anyway, you’re post popped up in Google reader, and I read it just like I do everything else, except it really hit home. It softened me up a lot, and the person’s story made me think “well maybe I have depression”. Its not the first time I’ve been softened up and just went on with my happy way;forgetting about it a couple hours later.

This was different though. I read the comments this time, and I read Okierivermama’s post. I saw so many similarities between her story and my whole life.

I remember holding a knife against my stomach, wanting so badly to just not suffer any more, but fearing death, and the consequences it would have for my family to go through with it.

I remember biting my lip hard whenever someone would ask me “How are you today?” on a Sunday morning after my dad cussed me out on the way to church, and then going into the bathroom and hiding on the stall floor for two hours crying.

I saw so many parallels between her story and mine.

I think this was what motivated me to finally seek help. I never really felt like I was “sick enough” to seek help. I had melt downs, and I searched hard for practical ways to commit suicide, and I did self injury, and I times where I felt worthless, weak and miserable, but they were all private.

I was a master of the church smile. My parents always taught me not to show sadness, and I didn’t.

I think okierivermama’s story made me realize how sick I really was. It was like a mirror of my own life.

Well anyway, I posted something on yahoo answers, and prayed that God would lead someone to lead someone.

Every answer on there was extremely diverse, and I gained an inexplainable amount of insight on life. It was like God just put together the pieces and showed me so much about life.

The answer that helped me the most was one that pointed to a website for depressed people. Depressiondodging.com

It had exactly what I needed. Nothing that was flowery, and nothing that told me I just needed to get over it.

Anyway, I’m going through their self help program now. I’m at positive thinking and concentration, and boy has it made an impact. It couldn’t of been more than 72 hours since I read this post, sought help, and asked God to help me.

My life is better in so many ways. I wish I could express it, but I don’t have words for it, and its too big to chop into manageable segments anyway.

I will say that forgiveness has gotten so much easier. I also feel so much better about talking to friends. I don’t have social anxiety anymore, and I have more confidence than I’ve ever had.

I feel like God has unlocked something in me and allowed me to grow. I feel like all I suffered through has brought me practical experience;I have seen things that I could have only seen through a lens as black as coal.

Before I thought I knew everything, but now I know twice as much as I did 3 days ago, and I see a huge world of potential growth that I didn’t even consider before.

I feel like my life has true meaning, and that God has had an elaborate plan that involved thousands of people. I feel like every experience, good and bad has led up to this moment in my life. I can’t express my happiness.

I still have problems, a lot of them actually. I still have a lot to catch up on in my life because I was pretty dormant during my depression.

I know I also have a long road ahead with overcoming depression permanently, and that God still has a lot more to show me in my life. I know that, while my engine has finally started running for God, there is still a lot of work left on the car that is my soul.

I know that I have aspirations that I want, and aspirations that God wants, and that I will have to work hard for all of them. I’m only 16, and there’s a lot of blood, sweat and tears left in my life.

I look forward to it though. I’m finally set in my faith. I’m not agnostic anymore, I’m a full Christian. The narrow path is the only path for me. I know that whatever hell-on-earth I have to go through, God will always be there when my bloody, broken and tired soul passes out and fails to do what God wanted me to do.

I know that he’ll pick me up every time, and nurse me back to health, so that I can do it again, and again, and again, until I defeat whatever challenge that appears in front of me, so that I can rest, recover, and face the next one.

That’s all I really have to say.

-Marshall Jones Jr.