Why do people gotta be jerks?
Posted on 04. Feb, 2010 by Nick the Geek in All, Youth Pastor
We got some snow Tuesday night. Schools were closed but things were pretty clear by noon so I had service last night. I ended up shifting the start of the sex and relationship series to next week though. Instead we just had a fun night. There were about 30 students there and we had snowball fights and other random things. At one point I had about 6 ganging up on me in the snowball fight. I had snow packed into my ear when I finally went inside a shook the snow off on a couple of students that wouldn’t go join in on the fun.
Later I learned about some things that really frustrate me. I have a girl who isn’t planning on coming any more. She lives near another church whose YP I am friends with. They have a great student ministry and I’m encouraging her to attend there. She is a very smart and pretty young woman. She is always well dressed but not even remotely skanky. She seems like someone who would be fairly popular, but she is having real trouble making friends. Basically, some of her “friends” kinda hung her out to dry at one point and one person has been really pushing her buttons lately. This person attends the youth group and she feels like she can’t be comfortable here.
Towards the end of the night one of the male students was visibly upset. He seems to have pretty significant mood swings and never opens up to me about what is going on. I got one of the other students to talk to me for him (he was standing there while they told me). The short version is one of the groups has been picking at him lately and someone from that group put a sign on his back mocking him.
I’m really torn because I know the kids that are causing the problem aren’t actually bad kids. They are on the fringe and I really feel for them. For whatever reason they are acting out their own frustrations on people they should be partnering with for their mutual benefit.
Were you bullied in school? Did you bully other people? I tended to be a shield myself. I’d see someone getting picked on and step into the middle of it with cutting words against the bully that would result in myself being targeted.
I’m really torn now, though, because I don’t want to cut down the ones bullying. I want to reach out to them and help them build others up instead of tearing them down. How do I do that?
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jasonthebaldguy
Feb 4th, 2010
Nick,
I would suggest calling Kevin Horner you can get the info at kevinhornerlive.com
his program is incredible and very effective… he is a pastor at our church and I highly recommend him for your youth group.
hope that helps!
Nick the Geek
Feb 5th, 2010
I looked at the program. It appears to be targeted to a younger audience though. I have access to many great programs that are more appropriate for a younger audience through an agency I work with in town. Older students might respond to a program like this, but more than likely they will mock it with their friends while wishing they could respond to it without being mocked.
Alissa
Feb 4th, 2010
Not that Im trained in this kind of thing, but I think maybe you should take all these students aside, separately, maybe take them out to lunch or something, and tell them what they are doing and how it makes others feel, or how one should react to being hurt, and share this information to them along with/in light of the gospel, as well as personal example. I dont know if these students claim to be christians, but show them that if they are christians, that God’s redeeming love should be evident, and many times we have to forgive those that hurt us. If they arent christians, be blunt but loving, say that this kind of bullying behaviour is not acceptable, but you do care about them and they are valued.
Im not sure if that helps at all. But hey, maybe=)
Nick the Geek
Feb 5th, 2010
This is more along the lines of what I think I’ll be doing. I need to build a better relationship with all of them anyways.
jasonS
Feb 4th, 2010
Hmmm, that’s a really tough one. It’s so individualized what people will respond to. Some would respond to your sharing your disappointment. Others would respond to consequences being placed on them, and so on. I don’t know how well you actually know these guys, but maybe you can figure out what would make them think about their actions (as much as teenagers are able, of course).
Nick the Geek
Feb 5th, 2010
I have talked with all of them but not the kinda deep stuff that would help. I think I need to build that relationship so I can know how they will respond and help them.
Helen
Feb 4th, 2010
I don’t work with teenagers. Please forgive me if this sounds oversimplistic. Can you ask them WHY they did it? Perhaps they don’t even know, but then you could kindly mention that you want them (the bully) to feel God’s love and welcoming embrace in your group, but that you want the same for the other (the bullied) and that you need their cooperation to achieve that.
Maybe it is a hokey idea. But that’s all I’ve got.
Oh yes, I was bullied. I was constantly fighting back. Don’t ever believe that all you have to do to stop a bully is fight back. I’m not sorry I did. I don’t believe things would have gone better if I didn’t. But fighting back is no Panacea..
Nick the Geek
Feb 5th, 2010
Good advice. I can see a little Hungarian Helen bringing the pain. I’m surprised anyone would keep pushing for your ire.
Nic at Nite
Feb 5th, 2010
Nick, I’ll have to disagree when you say, “I’m really torn because I know the kids that are causing the problem aren’t actually bad kids”
They’re causing problems but they’re not bad? They’re sinning, regardless of what is going on in their life they still have the opportunity to do what’s right.
I know how you feel, you want to be with them, hug them and tell them it’ll be okay. I guess it starts with finding out what the deep issues are. The Holy Spirit is the perfect counselor. Listen to what He says and translate that to the problem youth.
I was bullied a lot in middle school. With a name like Charlie Chang and Asian it was hard NOT to be bullied. I cried a lot. Now I have to work on not bullying my wife or kids.
Nick the Geek
Feb 5th, 2010
A sinner is not a bad person though. If they were bad then why would God want to redeem them?
I have seen these students do some very kind things. I tend to think they are acting out their own pain much like you have to struggle against doing so with your own wife and kids. If you have a bad day at work and come home and make a snide remark to your wife and it hurts her feelings, does that make you a bad person?
I was bullied all the time as a kid. I look back now and I feel for the kids that picked on me. I know most of them, if not all of them, were lost. I know they didn’t get the love that I did. I know they weren’t bad people.
Sherry Meneley
Feb 5th, 2010
Something has got to be in the air… A sweet Christian girl started bringing her non-believer friend to Youth Group. Suddenly the non-believer gal hooks up with some older kids and for whatever reason (I can’t tell) she is now popular…and has left her Christian friend in the dust. Not only dust, but now has become a bully towards her.
Guess who isn’t coming to Youth Group anymore? That’s right the Christian girl.
It’s such a shame… We really want the non-believer to stay..even though she is a trouble maker – but I want the other girl back too (and I am reaching out to her). The whole thing causes me grief. I’m reading your other commenters advice hoping to see something that will work. I guess the only thing I see is bringing the situation out into the open by talking about it.
PS: we also have a group of kids that mock others that raise their hands during worship – honestly I get thoughts of beating kids during those moments.
Nick the Geek
Feb 5th, 2010
I have been known to drop some serious guilt when people get like that during worship. I don’t mean to do it, but I can’t stand the irreverence to God. I hold back from what I want to say though.
I am praying for both of the girls. They both need something special from God.